INNATE Blog

Shunning stoicism: how self-compassion builds resilience 

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What comes to mind when you think of compassion? Kindness, care and sympathy? Yet, self-compassion is often perceived as self-pity or indulgence. There is a clear inconsistency here. It’s time to treat ourselves how we think others should be, to be compassionate both internally and externally. What is more, when we start practising self-compassion, we build self-awareness and resilience. Here’s how.

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The cambridge dictionary defines compassion as:

a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and a wish to help them.

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There is both an understanding of the problem, the suffering, yet the desire to help bring about change, to move through the suffering into a happier state. If we follow this logic, self- compassion could be defined along these lines:

Authentically feeling one's own sadness or suffering and the wish to help ourselves move through it, learn from it and grow.

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Therefore, being compassionate to oneself, is not to wallow in self-pity, but to look within and say ‘hey, there is pain, but that is ok, I am going to help myself move through it’. In fact, if you ignore emotions, they will linger, ruminate and grow stronger. The pain may remain in the subconscious, but at some point it will surface and it will be even bigger and more difficult to face.

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Edith Edgar (a holocaust survivor) consistently says you have to ‘feel to heal’ (Edgar, 2020). Only through looking within, allowing ourselves to feel what is there, can we move forward. This may be why Krieger and Altenstein (2014) found that infertile women who demonstrated self-compassion experienced a decrease in their levels of anxiety and depression. Similarly, Neff and Faso (2015) found that resilience and self-compassion were positively correlated when they studied parents of autistic children. In other words, self-compassion builds resilience, whilst also alleviating anxiety and depression. I say it’s high-time we shun stoicism and embrace self-compassion.

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Another reason why self-compassion is particularly powerful is because we can reconnect with who we truly are and show a more authentic version of ourselves to the world, thus creating more meaningful relationships. How? Well, if you don’t practise self-compassion, you don’t have the capacity or courage to look within.  Therefore, you live in disconnection to yourself and others. How can you meaningfully connect to others, if you do not know what your own self is or what you are feeling?

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On the flipside, through cultivating self-compassion, you can see who you truly are, ‘warts and all’. The point is, when you look within from a compassionate stance, you can see the good and the bad without reacting to it, you can just notice it, feel it, thereby gaining the ability to proactively work through it. When you know yourself authentically, you can show the world your true (awesome) being and cultivate connections based on truth, not theatre. 

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Sorry for the rant, but truly, we should be as offended by our own thoughts as we would be if someone else spoke them to us, not least a loved one. Can you imagine someone close to you saying: ‘Why are you feeling sad? You’re pathetic. Just get on with it. Pretend to the world that you're fine’. It hurts right? And, it seems nonsensical. I think you get my point…

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So, how do we make self-compassion a daily activity? We need to reflect effectively. To look within, appreciate what’s there, allow the emotions to flow through us and support ourselves in dealing with similar experiences in the future.

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INNATE is a video journal that allows us to do exactly that. You record an experience, logging it under a specific emotion. For instance, when you feel empowered or joyful, you can log this in the app, to remind your future self that sadness is only transient. Often, we focus on the negative emotional experiences, rather than recognising times when we were empowered and flourishing.

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Similarly, when dealing with a challenging emotion, like anger, the process of externalisation is crucial, as it encourages the emotion to pass through you, rather than letting it linger inside. What’s more, through INNATE, you then can revisit these experiences from a compassionate perspective, helping you make sense of the experience and re-frame it. ‘Ok, I can now see that being so angry at my partner was because I was tired. Next time I feel such anger, I will externalise it through a recording, rather than unleashing it on them’. This process is called cognitive reappraisal and it’s powerful. In effect, you are rewiring your brain. Learn more here.

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INNATE provides a platform for authentic introspection. Recognising all emotions, logging them and revisiting them at the appropriate time. Such self-awareness gives you an elevated perspective to look internally with compassion; observing, challenging, overcoming, feeling, accepting and understanding all that is there. 

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Stoicism says to thrive we need to shut-down our emotions. Yet, we say we need to feel more, to be more authentic, connect more meaningfully and embrace all emotions to become more resilient and emotionally regulated. And, yes, to do this we need to look within, compassionately.  

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So, if you’re tired of being overwhelmed by your emotions, or find it difficult to connect to yourself at all, it’s time to download INNATE and start reflecting effectively, that is with compassion ;) 

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References 

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Krieger, T., & Altenstein, D. (2014). Decreased symptoms of depression and anxiety in infertile females after a mindfulness-based group intervention: results from a randomized controlled study. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 83(6), 315-317.

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Neff, K. D., & Faso, D. J. (2015). Self-compassion and well-being in parents of children with autism. Mindfulness, 6(4), 938-947.

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Edgar E (2020), The Gift: 14 Lessons to Save Your Life (London: Scribner)

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